i got SOME nerve May 7, 2008

But not much. Some.

These things have me down today:

I heard the cheesiest song this morning when i was listening to a radio station that i was embarrassed that i’m old enough to listen to– some Soft Rock something– gads– and it made me think of the last episode of Spin City, which made me think about Parkinson’s disease which made me so angry that i live so far away from my papa and that he wouldn’t see my daughter’s first ballet recital.

I had lunch with The Love and 2 co-workers and it felt creepy to me. and now i feel creepy that it felt creepy. like that old thing where it is fine for one’s doctor to see one naked, and fine for one’s spouse to see one naked, but creepy when the doctor and the spouse are both there seeing you naked. not that anyone got naked at the lunch meeting, cause that really would have been creepy. I’m wondering if maybe it was residual ex-hub baggage. he didn’t belong at that intersection of work and personal life. well… he didn’t belong on either of those roads, actually.

I spend waaaay too much time being fearful. i really do believe that fear is the enemy, maybe even The Enemy. Fear that there won’t be enough, fear that i won’t be enough. do all animals fear scarcity? maybe the fact that humans try to live with a belief in abundance is what marks us as the “higher” species. maybe that’s where we’re most misled about our self-identity. cause i don’t see a whole lot of people out there living fearless lives assured of the abundance that surrounds them.

like, driving up to the gas station and waiting in line for the next pump to come available, and being sure that the lady in the big honkin suv was going to try and cut in front of me. and what? take all my friggin gas?!?! Make me late for some meeting that i don’t want to be at that no one cares if i’m late to or not? i’m thinking there was not a whole lot of justifiable fear in that one. unless maybe i was afraid the price would increase by a dollar while i was waiting. that’s probably justifiable.